I Wuv You Snufflebutt
by sonofeve
Summary: Okay this fic is bad. Real bad. Not in the good way. Enter at your own risk.
1. Morning People

I don't own LOK or Underworld. WEEEEE! Kain is in his evolved form.

* * *

(Kain is sleeping on his throne, snoring loudly.)

Selene: (Jumps knee first onto Kain's nuts) WAKE UP!

Kain: ARGH! THE HELL?

Selene: (Sits in his lap) It's our anniversary today.

Kain: It's five in the morning.

Selene: Yeah, why are you sleeping so late?

Kain: (Monotone) It's five in the morning.

Selene: Yeah?

Kain: (Groans) Okay, why did you jump knee first on my balls?

Selene: I've been hitting you in the head with a baseball bat since midnight but my arm got tired.

Kain: (Begins to drool) Really? I didn't feel a thing.

Selene: Uh……Kay.

Kain: (Stands up, dumping Selene on the floor) Oh, I feel like I've been hit by a car and run over by an elephant.

Baby: (Cries)

Selene: The baby's up.

Kain: We have yet to name him.

Selene: I was something biblical like…..Raziel!

Kain: Sure….if you want him to be a fruit!

Selene: Don't be an ass.

Kain: If he comes into my house with two butterfly wings and a rough trick named Jim, I'm casting him into the abyss.

Selene: Bullshit you will!

Kain: Uh huh, go do that voodoo that you do so well.

Selene: That's his "Change me" scream, go change him. Now.

Kain: No.

Selene: When was the last time you spent time with him?

Kain: Before birth?

Selene: He's gonna have issues with you when he grows up.

Kain: Oh whats he gonna do? Evolve before me?

Selene: Why don't you love your son?

Kain: Why don't you love me?

Selene: Cause you're an asshole. (Hands him a diaper) Have fun.

Kain: (In a last ditch attempt to get out of it) Snufflebutt? I wuv you.

Selene: Don't.

Kain. I wuv you snufflebutt.

Selene: (Begins to stifle a laugh)

Kain: Whose the bestest snufflebutt in the world?

Selene: (giggles and laughs) I is.

Kain: Is snufflebutt gonna change the poopy diaper for her bobo?

Selene: Okay.

Kain: (Quietly) Damn right woman.

(suddenly a dirty diaper smacks in the face)

Kain: AHHHHH! IT BURNS!

Selene: Sucker.


	2. CheeseDay?

To the rude reviewer: I may be an idiot, but I'm an idiot that can delete your reviews. That's right, you're _my_ bitch.

* * *

(Kain is standing in the kitchen; he looks from a box of frozen waffles to the microwave)

Kain: Uh….SELENE!

Selene: (From the other room) WHAT?

Kain: HOW DO YOU MAKE FROZEN WAFFLES?

Selene: PUT THEM IN THE MICROWAVE!

Kain: OKAY!...SELENE!

Selene: WHAT?

Kain: HOW DO YOU OPEN THE MICROWAVE?

Selene: PUSH THE BUTTON!

Kain: WHAT BUTTON?

Selene: THE BLACK ONE!

Kain: OKAY!...SELENE!

Selene: (Annoyed) WHAT?

Kain: THEY'RE ALL BLACK!

Selene: (Stomps into the kitchen, grabs the waffles out of Kain's hand and puts them into the microwave, turns it on.)

Kain:…..All you had to do was-

Selene: SHUT UP! (Walks away)

Kain: Selene!

Selene: What?

Kain: Where's the blood?

-Meanwhile somewhere in Vorador's mansion-

Vorador: Holy monkey thongs!

Umah: What?

Vorador: Do you realize we haven't been on a date in over a hundred years?

Umah: Yep.

Vorador: Why haven't you told me?

Umah: I've told you. I tell you every day.

Vorador: I don't listen to you, you know that!

Umah: (Rolls her eyes)

Vorador: I should take you someplace nice for our anniversary tonight!

Umah: Really? Where?

Vorador: Hooters!

Umah: (Slaps him)

Vorador: What? We met at Hooters!

-Meanwhile, at the sanctuary kitchen-

(Kain and Selene are eating half frozen waffles at the table.)

Kain: So.

Selene: Yep.

Kain: Uh huh.

Selene: Do you have anything planned tonight?

Kain: No.

Selene: Are you sure?

Kain: Why would I?

Selene: Because today might be a special day….

Kain: Christmas already?

Selene: (Rolls her eyes)

Kain: Halloween?

Selene: No.

Kain: Cheese-day?

Selene: You just made that up.

Kain: What?

Selene: (Sigh) Nothing. (Gets up and walks away)

Kain: (Confused) What? Where are you going?

Selene: I'm gonna call Michael. If he picks up the phone, I haven't seen him since the wedding.

Kain: Uh…..

Selene: Have you seen him?

Kain: (Thinks hard).

/Flashback/

(Michael wakes up chained to a wall in the sanctuary dungeon)

Michael: Selene?

Kain: Wrong!

Michael: Kain!

Kain: Hell yeah! I've got a present for you. (Opens the door)

Michael: Where's Selene? What is this-….oh God.

Janos: (Dressed in a leather thong and bra)

Michael: What the hell?

Janos: (Lisping) Oh Mikey! I've got a surprise for you!

Michael: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kain: Muhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

/End Flashback/

Kain: Nope, can't recall.


End file.
